60-something?

In the corner of my blog page it says  “a 60 something logs on.”  I get a jolt when I read that.  I don’t feel 60 -something, don’t act 60-something, and don’t dress 60-something. 

Sometimes I get dressed, look in the mirror and think “act your age.” I just can’t do it.  I had one intenet date with a man who held distain for older (yuk) woman who……….and then he pretty much described me.  He then pointed to his ideal who was a woman my age who looked, dressed and coiffed like my grandmother.  Gulp.  He played right into that part of me who wants me to act my age.  Again I just can’t do it and know  there are a number of women in my age group who are like me.

There’s a lot to be said for this age. I find it freeing, not to have to take too much very seriously anymore.  I’m not longer building towards anything.  My main goal in life is to enjoy the day.  It would be nice to be in a relationship, but in so many ways it’s nice to be single.  My time is all my own.  I keep my home the temperature I like. I go to bed and wake up when I want.  When I go to a party or visiting I decide when I should leave. I’m as neat or messy as MY mood determines. 

I know I may contradict myself sometime on this blog.  I think there are times that I would like to be in a relationship, or have a difficult time enjoying the day.  Not feeling 60-something, however, remains constant. 

Blog Count

My daughter told me I could see how many people have looked at my blog.  She told me how to check it out.  I did what she said, and as usual, I couldn’t find it. But in the process it brought back elementary school  and the Valentines Box.  Each year the kids in the class would exchange Valentines.  The popular kids got the most.  I lived in dread that I would get the least.   I must admit I even sent myself a few, just to boost my count.  Now as 60 plus, that feeling comes back. Part of me wants a lot of readers, and another part feels shy. Since I can’t even find my blog count I don’t have to worry about my stats at this time. 

Hillary – My Mom

I just watched the last five minutes of a Democratic political debate after a night out with the grrls.  I like Hillary, but am going to wait  to study the candidates, and not vote for gender or party.  I do know that it did my heart good to see a female up there among the men.  It got me to thinking of how the status of woman has changed over my lifetime.  My mom was a woman of the 50’s, a good wife and mother.  In some ways it seems like she had  a simpler way of life with the roles so well defined.  I think my mother was very happy with her life until my father died when she was 60.  Up to that point HE was her life, and she never really found herself for the next twenty years until she died.  That seems to be the price she paid for being so devoted to my father. 

I’ve lived a very different life.  I’ve been single and alone for more years than I have been in relationships.  I can live alone and have a full, happy life.  That said I also know that when I am alone something is missing. It’s meaningful to have someone to share the small moments.  I seem to keep making the same mistake my mother made in relationships.  I give myself away. I too often stop being myself and try to figure out what HE wants.  Unlike my mother this does not make me happy.  It makes me resentful which plays itself out in the relationship.  

I digress from Hillary.  I felt good that in those five minutes she was the candidate that sounded least like a Hallmark card. You know blah, blah, honesty, blah, blah, integrity, blah, blah, this great nation.  She had solid, specific ideas.  I felt like “we’ve come along way baby.”  As I said I’m not sure who I want to be the next president.  I do know that I would like Bill to be the first gentleman (Bill, gentleman??).  I think it would be fun watching him blaze that trail.

Is this my body?

Most of my life I have been a couch potato trying my best to do as little as possible when it came to moving my body through space. In the last couple of years I have changed that and exercise almost every day. Some days I swim for an hour, others I do the treadmill with ten pounds in a backpack. At times I really look forward to it and others I need to PUSH   myself to start. The one thing that this is consistent is how good I feel when it is over. My body no longer feels like a marshmallow. My legs don’t jiggle when I walk. Wow!

I’ve also been overweight most of my life. About seven years ago I lost almost 50 pounds then gained  15 back. Last year I lost 30 pounds, so am at the lowest weight in all of my adult life. I’m not even sure what I look like. When I look at my body I only look at my middle which is the heaviest. A few times people have called my skinny, that’s not nearly true, but I do not look overweight. I have always been photogenic, so I don’t when I look good in a photo, if that is what I look like or just another camera being kind.

I live in fear of gaining weight. I give myself permission to really overeat on vacations and one week during the holidays, and to overeat to a point when I visit people or have overnight guests. I seem to be in control most days and if I have a cheat day I know that the next day I will be right back to healthy diet. AA has some great sayings and I do take it one day at a time. Statistic say that 85-90% of people who lose weight gain it back. I keep those statistics in the forefront of my mind, it’s so easy to let it all slip away, and then I would have to start all over. Again.

The Zen of bike riding

I went bike riding today for the first time in I don’t know how many years.  It’s true, once you learn you never forget.  I must admit that I wobbled in the beginning and the first time I put on the brakes I almost flew over the handle bars.  The bike belongs to a possible new man in my life who is an avid biker, and costs $1200.00 which means the brakes, and everything on it were respond quickly to a light tap.  

I enjoyed the breeze in my hair and the fact that I broke out in a sweat as I never sweat.  As usual I pushed myself too much.  As I swim an hour a day I thought I could bike for that long.  By the last mile I was ready to ditch the bike, and sit by the side of the road for the rest of my life, but pride motivated me continue to pedal. 

Here’s the Zen part.  As I would once in a while, ride off of the trail onto the grass he said “If you go off the trail, don’t panic, just stay in control and you’ll be all right.”  There were poles about four feet apart at places and we would need to ride through them and he said “Don’t look at the barriers, you will get distracted.” When I fell because he had taken a little different twist than I and  I looked to see where he was going he said “Where you look is where you go.” 

Retreat and more

I just returned from a week-end with a lot of people I never knew before from the Learning in Retirement program.  I can be quite social but am not good at making initial contact, so had some anxiety about situation, however I knew it would be good to go and that I would force myself to talk to people.   I had also requested a roommate, and knew for sure she HAD to talk to  me.  I’m glad I went. 

Two interesting things occurred over the week-end. My roommate was German and a very young child doing the Nazi regime.  She talked about the trauma of being brained washed at school  and the trouble she would be in if she repeated one of the slogans incorrectly.  To this day she needs to think before she speaks.  Her family was treated poorly because they would not join the Nazi party which resulted in the death of her father.  She was separated from her family, was often starving, and constantly hearing and seeing bombs.  After the war was over during the occupation she was not allowed to speak German.  Her brother was crippled because of medical experimentation.  This is especially interesting to me because I am Jewish and know of the atrocities the happened to Jews, but never realized that it happened to some Germans.  She says she still feel horrible guilt for what her country did during the holocaust.

The other interesting thing that happened was that on the way to the country retreat I had an internet date. For a change this guy seemed really interesting.  We have a lot in common.  I rode a bike as a child and he did a 500 mile bike ride  across the Rockies.  I lived on a hill as a child, and he had climbed Denali.  I go on the treadmill and he goes on 100 miles hikes.  I saw him on the way back, and now have a date to go bike riding next week. I must close now so I can go swim laps, run up and down the stairs 100 times, and put my treadmill on high and spend the rest of the afternoon on it.  Actually,  if this relationship goes anywhere it will be good for me.  I’m not sure that a marshmallow (me) and a rock (him) will have enough in common to make it through the first bike ride.  I did lie a little when he told me about climbing a solid sheet of ice up the side of a mountain, and wanted to know if I would do that.  I said I was game for anything that was safe.  I really can’t see myself doing that, but I have to get through the first bike ride before I even worry about it.  My new goal is the stay in the now, so I’ll worry about the tall sheet of ice only if it ever is a possibility.

More time

I was thinking today about my age, and how for most of my life I’ve always felt about 20 years younger than I really am.  It took me well into adulthood to start to feel like an adult.  I still feel like I’m in my forties, but I like the advantages of being in my 60’s.  I’m only working three days a week, I don’t take things as seriously as I used to,  and life just seems simpler .

I am trying to figure out what new activities to bring into my life, now that I have  extra time on my hands.  I’ve started to take some courses at the Learning in Retirement program at my local university.  Since my kids left home fifteen years ago I have been very involved in my profession.  I became the president of my professional organization and moved on to an appointment by the governor to the licensing board.  Leadership in my profession was really my way of making meaningful use of my leisure time.  It became too much responsibility and recently  I let go of it all and I decided no more boards, no more leadership positions.  I don’t even want to join anything as I get too involved.  So here I am trying to come up with new ideas to make my life interesting. 

I’ve worked on political campaigns, but usually I’m put on telephone calls and become one of the annoying callers that I resent, so don’t want to do that again.  I’ve done some internet dating, and meet strangers for lunch or coffee, but that gets old after a time when none of them seem to work for me.  I’ve done some home repair, which I do enjoy, but it  does look like I did it.  Anyway I need to keep expanding my interests.  It seems like there is a whole world out there, so there has to be LOTS to do.

First words

What should I use for a title? ” Granblog!”  No, I’m more than just a grandmother. “Keepin’ it real grandma.” No, I don’t like that. Now, what do I want to muse about on my blog?  The experiences, challenges, fun, and tribulations of being a single female my age.  Oi, internet dating.  Joy, a two year old grandson. Toy, how to still fill life with fun and adventure.  How about Goldengrrrl?  Perfect!  Now what to say? That’ll have to wait as the First Annual Family of Golderngrrl Vacation Club is off to the beach.

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